When I Say Oo, You Say Long

I've slurped up a cuppa from an elephant's trunk 

With a couple of monks who utterly stunk 

I've had bourbons with sultans and creams with queens 

And I've bathed in Earl Grey — I'm really that keen.

And missionaries dismiss me for my single epiphany

The diff between him and me is a simple sip of British tea! 

So when times are hard and life is rough, 

You can stick the kettle on and find me a cup.

~ Professor Elemental

My idiocy reveals itself in stages. Casual acquaintances may, if my guard is down, catch a glimpse of this rare creature, but it's not generally on display. They do not know, for instance, that when my attention flags (or I'm under deadline), I take on the personalities of others. I'll sing the theme song for the 1980's television show The Facts of Life, for instance...in the style of Tom Waits. Or I'll pull a deadpan exsanguination of Jingle Bells, draining it of life and joy as only Jeremy Irons can do. Just this weekend, I could not shake the image of Joe Pesci recast in the role of the android Bishop in Aliens ("You ast me, them A2s always was a little twitchy.") nor of Don Rickles as Lt. Ellen Ripley ("Get away from her, you hockey puck!").

But that all pales to the vocal styling of Professor Elemental. Here, the pith-helmeted Professor gets a little steampunk and throws down Victorian rhymes in Cup of Brown Joy.


Goes well with:

• Professor Elemental's website. 
• At the end of the video, you'll note that the good Professor is off for a bit of Battenberg. Some what? Is it bitters akin like Underberg? No; it's cake, a very British checkerboard cake. Robert L. White explains.
• My own obsessions over the brown stuff (iced? hot? buttered? in punch?) are well established.
• Also noting his fondness for tea, and akin to Professor Elemental, check out Mr. B, The Gentleman Rhymer strumming his chap hop ukelele in a 2008 performance. Be warned, however, that the rivalry between the two is legendary.