Modern Drunk History

You know that vodka is tasteless going down,
but memorable coming up.

~ Modern Drunkard

I like me some Modern Drunkard Magazine. It is at turns sophomoric, insightful, sad, and wickedly funny. I like it better online because remembering to take a copy home at the end of the night…ah, sometimes just getting in the cab is task enough. Yet, oddly, I do have a fair number of back issues at home. They’re coming from somewhere. Maybe just breeding in my vertical files.

The vodka quote above is from their column “You Know You’re a Drunkard When…” —little more than a list of signs that, well, you’re a drunk. Now, some of my very best buddies are drunks and readily admit it. When we get together, we play beer pong, guzzle beer on the stoop, and Edward Fortyhands somehow doesn’t seem like a bad idea. There's even been backyard oil wrestling after someone's wife forbade it ("I'm telling you, Mommy says no!"), then went to the kitchen for that bottle of Wesson. Some warning signs got me smiling:

• Future generations will call you an urban legend [I’m thinking of our dear friend Gabriel who lives in Philadelphia, but about whom even a California bartender exclaimed “You mean Doctor Gabriel?”]
• M.A.D.D. has a budget line with your name on it.
• You measure time by drinks, as in: "Hold on a shot, the movie doesn't start for another four bourbons."
• You wonder why they call it Southern Comfort when they know damn well there is nothing comfortable about being handcuffed in the back of a squad car.
• Think box wine is great; eagerly awaiting box whiskey.
• The bartender is in the weeds and you’re the only person in the bar.

Now, that last one I can identify with, but mostly because I’ve been known to bring my own bitters to bars and instruct tyro barkeeps how to make old fashioned cocktails and sidecars.

But that first quote up top immediately reminded me of Derek Waters’ drunken takes on historic American events. In particular, of volume two that features Eric Falconer after downing eight Cape Codders, reciting the tale of Benjamin Franklin (Jack Black) discovering electricity, and then, um, undrinking them.


Drunk History Vol 2


Goes well with

• Drunk History Vol 1. On August 6th 2007, Mark Gagliardi drank a bottle of Scotch...And then discussed a famous historical event.
• Goody’s Headache Powders

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